A Happier Place

To my two followers chicpea and yitty and anyone else who has stumbled on this blog, I have created a new blog for my new start on the path of wellness. Please find me at http://j-m-thisandthat.blogspot.com/  - I hope you can follow me there!

Bad Belly

It's not really a bad belly in so much as it is a bad intestine or Gallbladder - hasn't been good since Friday last week. At first I thought it was something I had eaten - I mostly eat a gluten and dairy free diet, but had let somethings slip through whilst we were away, and I did scoff a meat pie on Saturday (I miss these so much).
However, I think this goes beyond that and I'm now feeling pretty miserable as I don't think my body has been digesting food properly for the last five days. (I found this information out on the www - amazing how much info there is out there about poop.)
I have pretty much been down and in bed. No energy, no desire to do or be anything. Went to see the doc this morning but he is sick as well.
So many connections between my mental illness and my physical ones I think. Just feel so bad.

Run Joey Run

I did it. I got flight today. I lifted two feet off the ground in a forward motion. I ran. If only for two briefest of brief times but it happened. I have been thinking about it for so long. Thinking about propelling myself more quickly than a brisk walk. Lots of thinking until I said "Bloody just go on and do it".
I didn't die. I didn't fall over. I didn't even get too puffed.
Remember it was for two very brief moments - but I feared those things may happen if I lifted my body off the ground.
I tell you what though - did my arse wobble!

Holding me back

The number of times I have thought about contributing to my blog since April the 26th have been numerous. The truth is I keep holding myself back due to my unrelenting standards. I read others' blogs and know that mine with just pale in contrast and so I simply don't commit. And I'm pretty sure that this whole blogging deal is not about that.
I also feel pretty crappy so often and who wants to read about that? My psych has told me I'm a quiet depressive - I don't rant and rave etc. That's because I don't want to offend or upset anyone (another unrelenting standard).
But if I can't even use my own blog to let out (and just perhaps let go of) some stuff then what's the point.
I hold myself back - constantly. I am my own worst enemy.
Blah.


P.S I even get anxious about getting the labels part right. Are they necessary?

Reality to hit soon

I can't believe the Easter break is over. Going back to school so soon after Easter feels rushed. Mind you - I did spent half of the holiday in hospital and the kids were away for most of it also.
I feel like  I'm letting the school down. I will be returning to work on another return to work plan. I feel that they are getting a raw deal. The thing is when I am well I am very good at my job. Unfortunately the job asks for more than I can keep giving and giving.
This makes me angry - I want to punch and throw things because that little Jodi inside of me is screaming "IT'S JUST NOT FAIR" - who will be the advocate for change - I just get the impression that we are meant to give and give and exhaust ourselves in the process.
God I hate unrelenting standards.!

Homeward Bound

Tomorrow I go home. I am a little scared. This place has been a safe haven for the past three weeks.
Below are the positive things that have happened for me staying in Belmont -
My meds are on track.
I have regularly seen my psych.
All my meals have been wonderfully prepared and brought to my room.
I have had fresh towels everyday.
The nursing staff are wonderful and caring.
I can pull back my curtains to overlook a sunny garden everyday.
I have completed my first two real paintings.
I have finished two scarves.
Completed a cross stitch.
Made artworks for the children.
Crocheted 54 granny squares for my Belmont blanket.
And had a room all to myself for two weeks.

Much to be thankful for.
Amen.

Distraction

My hands have been very busing crocheting up granny squares like you wouldn't believe. Also I have finished blanket stiching an appliqué on a quilt square, finished a painting, knitted a scarf and completed several pencil and paper works. My creative juices have been on overdrive and I love it.
These things are the distractions I need. If I don't have something in my hands then I am fidgety. At work I play wipth bulldog clips and clicker pens to release my nervous energy.

You know it's great to be working on so many things but really at the bottom of it I am avoiding like you wouldn't believe.

The goal for tomorrow is to do two short sessions of meditation. How will my hands cope? Need to slow down and just sit with myself.

Let's see how we'll go.

Sleeping Beauty

I slept through last night and was woken by the breakfast ladies - yay for me!
Yay for me number two - there has been number twos. Six sachets of movicol a day has seemed to be the trick.
I felted another piece of work in art therapy today - it's a relaxing art form and the end result was good if I do say so myself.
All in all not a bad today today.
Hopefully there will be more to come!

Droopy eyes

For some insane turn of events I have stayed awake all day and actually have had energy to do stuff -how I don't know since I've been up since 3:00. It's like it's opposite day.
I'm still waiting for some major movement in the station and am polishing off Movicol as if pit is going out of fashion. There's always tomorrow.
My eyelids ar so droopy now so it's nighty night for me. Fingers crossed.
Goodnight.

"Oh what a night..."

I have been up since 3:02am. Plus I was awake at 1:00 and 2:00. I don't think Valium is for me, because my basic understanding is that it is meant to help you sleep - not sit up writing and drawing and stitching in bed by book light. What can we try next???

I am full of it

No..I mean it.. I am full of it..shit that is - literaly.

My new meds have caused a blockage of huge proportions and I have been taking this and drinking that and even squirting stuff where things normally don't go - and yet I have not gone.

Unfortunately my body is uuuggghh and my mind is aaarrrhhh.

We need some movement of the motions...(sounds like a song title).

"I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell"

Well it's out there now-I have a mental illness. Going to hospital for this illness sort of screams it out to people who didn't know what is the reality for me behind my polished exterior. Lots more know now. And so they should. If there is one thing I have gained from staying in here is that we have to be the advocates for this illness. I will be telling people about my experience. I suffer from depression.

And I'm not crazy.
I'm just a little unwell.

A New Do

Went to the hairdressers today and consequently have new hair. I don't go to the hairdressers regularly so when I do I always have something different done. This time it was putting in some splices of a midnight black in the under layers of my hair so parts could peek through the blonde. I love it. Great holiday hair.

My mood is not bad considering the time of the month. Holidays have much to do with it.
I'm being productive as well so not hitting the end of the day going to bed with guilt for another wasted day. Need to see some productivity in the rest of the family though - I want to see them make and create something these holidays. Will continue to work on it.

flip flops and poo pants

Holidays are here. My fisherman pants and my special purple pants (all of which have a low crutch..hence the poo part) have been on my body non stop. So different from the heels and black dress pants. Shame I've been sick for the most part. Germs were kept at bay till the end of term - since then it's been a free-for-all.
We have nowhere to go and no one to visit and it is liberating.
Our holidays are our own.
Amen

Sew annoying!

Had to buy fabric for a procession and I ended up with one that frays to billy-o. I'm at the sewing machine. Me. Who hasn't touched one in years. But turns out it is like riding a bike. I filled a bobbin like a pro!
Hours of work for minutes of use. These are the stresses that have the potential to push me over the anxiety edge.

Just two and a half more days - then I can pick up the pieces and start to make them whole again.

It's beginning to feel a bit like Christmas......la,la,la,la,la......

First Sunday of Advent - I'm singing tonight and all the Advent music has come out. Four weeks of waiting. Four weeks of hoping. Now we can have expectation and excitement for the season. Preparing for the true reason for the season.

Up until this moment (for the last two weeks), I have been an enormous bah humbug about Christmas. There are so many things that are just wrong about what Christmas has become....but that is for a post all of its own.

Shopping for my Secret Santa has shone a little light back on the "season for giving" for me - but that's because it is in secret and its exciting and it will make someone feel special without them knowing its me.

I also know that I only have to drag my body through one more week - four and a half days. I can do that! I'm in charge of three events in that time - but I still have a sense of 'I can do that!' and that's all I need.

One, Two skip a few.....

I've already missed days! Just haven't felt inspired to write. Once again it's all about my setting too high standards for myself to reach. So that voice is saying - you've got to make it funny, you've got to be witty etc and then I end up doing nothing. The funny thing is that I'm imaging an audience reading this and wanting to come back when the reality is probably there is no audience at all and therefore no followers! Why do I always want more from others and myself?

Body says "I stop now. You bad driver."

My body doesn't want to go anymore.
Just resting my arms on the laptop makes them sore.
Fibromyalgia can be the pits.
Fingers ache, gives me the shits.
Running on adrenalin ain't real good.
Systems don't work as they should.
When the hormones crash you feel a wreck
When it's happened for years you're a bloody mess.
So my body says "Stop. You treat me bad -
I work no more. Hands off the keypad."

OK.....I hear you....

Some needles please

I have just had my third session of acupuncture and feel soooooo much better. Less stressed. Less angry. Less feeling like my molecules are vibrating.
Amazing what those little needles can do (of course there's lots to do with the skills and intuativeness of AJ my natural therapist).
Part of the success is the time I spend lying still, candle light, beautiful music. Deep breathing........relaxing my muscles......acknowledging my thoughts and then letting them go. - I am learning something from my meditation course.
Looking forward to a good night's sleep. Please.

It's a start

I can truly be classified as a tryer. I give so many things a go. Unfortunately, quite often, the notion of trying isn't one of seeing things through to the end - particularly if there isn't an end date.
I'm trying blogging. I'll be giving it a good go - maybe this will be the thing that holds me and my motivation will surprisingly keep manifesting. Who knows?